Profilectlx.Carlene Tan Li Xuan 11th July 1988. Currently 23+. Studied in St. Anthony's Canossian Primary and Secondary School, SRJC (first 3 months), TPJC, NUS FASS (econs). loves family, friends, chocs, western desserts, yellow, etc etc.
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Thursday, September 09, 2004Hey diary, I’m back! But today with a more serious tone, cause this entry contains of things which are meaningful to me, and I hope to the rest who reads it. This entry will be one I won’t forget cause I know deep down, there are a lot of emotions planted in here, emotions of which I cannot understand, too many mixed feelings, too much hurt, confusion, and yet I found that enlightenment, which I know will carry me through this trying period.Just now, I was sitting at this place around my tuition center, waiting for my parents to pick me. I looked around me and felt the gush of wind sweep across my face and felt really at ease. Before that, and during the whole of my tuition, I could hardly concentrate cause my mind was on many other complicated stuff, things I really couldn’t comprehend. I was bewilded by the peace and tranquility of the night, as I looked around, I saw couples, families and friends having the most precious times together, I could feel that deep love and care each and everyone had for each other. I saw colleges of “Giant” gathered outside, laughing and talking. Beside me sat a father and a son, and none of them breathe a word, but still there was love. The power of the simplest things like spending quiet times together amazed me, it was the love, family and friendship that brings us forth day after day, giving us that motivation to move on. Isn’t that just wonderful? Today, I learnt a lesson on how to let go. Its funny how our minds work, don’t you think? Sometimes, new people, new things appear in our lives and we face and handle these many different things differently, as we go along, we start to predict how these new relationships and friendships will turn out to be. Some of which we know will turn out to be real hurtful, but yet we just continue to keep this relationship, in hope that all will turn out well. Unfortunately, this relationship is one-sided, its not a 2-way thing and therefore, it will not last. And sadly, as expected, the relationship ends with 1 party getting hurt, and the other either not knowing what was going on, or not bothering at all. Its weird how people, although knowing the outcome still go all out for it, and that’s exactly what I did. Its really stupid I know, its dumb. I’ve seen so many of my close friends go through this before me yet I didn’t bother learning from them, and great, now I’m in that position. Its really sickening. I hate myself for it, I seriously do. Jeez, I hope I’ll be like the last to in my group of friends to undergo this torture, honest, its really pure mental torture, trust me, you won’t want to try. So as I was saying, its difficult to let go really, especially when you’ve grown to depend on that person, but then coming back to the base of it all, that person really isn’t yours so its simply impossible to keep that person, right? So ya, let go… =). Cindy’s talking to me now and I’m gonna quote what she quoted from somewhere, “I believe we meet everyone for a reason.” I believe in that too, I believe I met this very person cause she’s gonna make me grow stronger. How bout yours? Sometimes, I wish I just knew how to hide my feelings, just have this poker face so I’d make things pleasant for everyone. But no, I don’t, how I wish how I wish the pain will just leave right now. But then I realize, life isn’t all about me, I start thinking about the people in the hospital, those bulging eyes of the family members who cried till they didn’t have any more tears left, I thought about what kind of pain they were going through, and then looked back at mine only to realize how insignificant that is, only to realize how precious life is. There’s no point self-blaming for whatever has happened, cause what was meant to happen will happen, how about instead look forward and think of ways to make life more bearable, more pleasant and most of all, how to pick up and learn. That’s an important life lesson I learnt today. Sure its not easy to let go, it needs a lot of patience, time and tears, but at the end of it all, its worth the effort, cause it’ll only make you stronger. So I’m on my journey with my group of friends going through what I am now, I know I’ll make it cause of my wonderful friends and their unfailing support, I know I’ll make it cause I know they won’t ever give up on me, and I trust them with my heart and soul. I thank God deeply for their presence, I really won’t know what to do if I hadn’t had them by my side. Thank you all of you for being there in my darkest moments, and I’d like to give special thanks to my unswornie swornie sista who never fails to teach me important lessons of life and make me more mature. Thank you people so much. Luv ya always. this entry brought me to think of a song. When i first heard the song, i didn't like it cause i couldn't make any sense out of it, but then after deep reflection and looking into the real meaning of the song, i think it applies really well to how i feel, so here it is. I used to think I had the answers to everything But now I know Life doesn't always Go my way, yeah... Feels like I'm caught in the middle That's when I realize... (Chorus) I'm not a girl Not yet a woman All I need is time A moment that is mine While I'm in between (Verse 2) I'm not a girl There is no need to protect me Its time that I Learn to face up to this on my own I've seen so much more than u know now So tell me to shut my eyes I'm not a girl Not yet a woman All I need is time A moment that is mine While I'm in betweenI 'm not a girl But if u look at me closely You will see it my eyes This girl will always find Her wayI'm not a girl(I'm not a girl don't tell me what to believe) Not Yet a woman(I'm just tryin to find the woman in me, yeah) All I need is time (All I need) A moment that is mine (That is mine) While I'm in between I'm not a girl Not yet a woman All I need is time (is All I need) A moment that is mine While I'm in between I'm not a girl Not yet a woman meaningful song eh? =) this is a msg for someone i have depended on, erm... i hope whoever i'm writing to isn't obvious, cause i don't wanna make anyone feel uncomfortable or anything, but i'm still gonna type it cause this is after all just my diary... to this friend: i'm really glad to have known you, no regrets honestly, just that the saddest thing happened and that is i'm depending on you too much, i'm sure you don't notice so ya i've decided to take time off and just leave things to cool off for a moment, or at least let me cool off for some time, sure the only way i'm gonna do it is to not talk to you as much as before, but no worries! i'll get over it soon, i hope, unless of course, you find it disgusting and ya, not want to carry on this friendship, then i'll leave it as that too. but for the time being, i think we're both fine the way we are, after all you are happy and its good to see that, you also have many dependable friends so i don't think i mean much, ya? good, so that's basically all i've got to say. At least i've pen down my thoughts and i do feel much more relieved now. So at least when whatever happens later on, i have this to fall back on. erm... if its obvious who i'm talking about, PLEASE TELL ME!!! well certainly my unswornie swornie sister will know who i'm referrring to, but ya... =) take care everyone! |